Shoes, Kleenex’s, lost change, socks, boxes and toys litter the landscape. A furry gray shapeless form enters from the left. Gum clumps to dusty hair, socks loosely stick to wrinkled whiskers. A candy cane, tangled in matted fur decorates his head. The gray thing searches. A naked life-sized Barbie, draws his attention. Picking it up, he sniffs. Still sniffing, examining the plastic head, he notices clumps of blonde hair missing. Approvingly he licks.
STEVE: Now this is quite the find… (taking another lick) Yummy. (continues licking)
Another gray thing enters, down feathers atop his head, staring at the “Barbie licking” episode in disbelief.
BOB: Hey! Steve! Don’t you think it’s just a little awkward to be licking a Barbie in front of all these people?
STEVE: (looking up) No. (goes back to the Barbie, licking)
BOB: (sighing) You’ll have to forgive my friend, he doesn’t have the best manners.
STEVE: (without looking up) Shut up Bob.
BOB: You don’t! Did you even introduce yourself?
STEVE: (looking up) No. (goes back to the Barbie, licking)
BOB: (exasperated) Fine I’ll explain all this.
STEVE: Yeah you do that.
BOB: Welcome to under your bed! I’m Bob and my friend (glaring) here is Steve. You might call us “dust-bunnies” but the truth is we are more rabbit than bunny. Don’t get me wrong, we were bunnies once, but now we are all grown up. (staring at Steve) well maybe some of us.
STEVE: I heard that, Shut up.
BOB: Don’t pay attention to him… To be perfectly honest with all of you, there aren’t that many bunnies around these parts anymore. We are what you would call an “endangered species”.
STEVE: (getting up) What are you talking about?!? We aren’t “endangered”! We are “survivors”! Let me tell you a story.
Everything goes black. Steve and Bob are hidden in darkness. All that is visible is a small “dust-bunny”. Wandering the stage. He is much cleaner than Steve and Bob but still very dusty.
STEVE: Last week, little Mario was hungry. He wandered the borders near the dust-ruffle. Usually the best treats can be found near the ruffle. But the borders are very dangerous. We tell all the bunnies this.
MARIO: You do?
STEVE: Hey! This is my story! You aren’t allowed to comment.
MARIO: Oh okay.
STEVE: So anyways, he was wandering. He found a sock (Mario finds a sock) this sock was brand new. We don’t get many new ones let alone brand new ones. Being a bunny he was very excited. He started chewing it, (Mario chews and licks sock) right next to the dust-ruffle. But then!….
MARIO: Wait! How do you know all this? I was alone.
STEVE: Hey! Shut up! My story remember?
MARIO: Why do I always have to listen to you! It’s not fair.
STEVE: Get over it kid. Life ain’t fair.
MARIO: Fine.
STEVE: Now like I was saying… Just then, the “sucker” appeared. (the noise of a vacuum roars, then a sucking hose appears. Mario gets sucked away clutching the sock) Just like that, Mario and that sock were sucked away. Never to be seen ever again.
Everything gets light again. Bob is crying.
BOB: It’s so sad… poor Mario.
STEVE: Yeah whatever he was annoying. (going back to the Barbie he starts chewing on clumps of blonde hair.)
BOB: Steve, sometimes I think you are right, we are the “survivors”.
STEVE: (not paying attention chewing) Hmm…. This IS good.
BOB: Did you hear anything I just said?
STEVE: What? (still chewing)
BOB: Never mind. Most of the bunnies don’t last that long. Mario is just one of the many that ventured too close to the ruffle. But that really is the least of our problems. Check this out
Bob exits, leaving Steve chewing and grunting on the Barbie. Seven minutes pass. Banging noises can be heard offstage. Bob returns pulling a giant see-through Rubbermaid on wheels. Inside a stuffed animal giraffe presses his long neck against the plastic. A pig lies crunched in a corner. Both look intensely scared. Yanking on the heavy container Bob manages to roll over Steve’s foot.
STEVE: OWWWWWW!!! (screaming)
BOB: What?
STEVE: YOU RAN OVER MY FOOT! (howling, jumping up and down)
BOB: oh… Cry.
STEVE: MY FOOT!!! OOWWWWWWWWWW! (exiting )
BOB: Don’t you think he is SUCH a bunny.
STEVE: (offstage) SHUT UP!
BOB: (a moment passes) See this box? A few years ago stuffed animals like these (Bob points, the animals flinch away) would just get shoved under the bed. But lately they’ve all been in these darn cages. You see, stuffed animals are an excellent source of the four essential vitamins and minerals that we dust-rabbits need to be big and strong. Fuzz, Hairballs, Spiderweb’s and Fleas. (the animals look horrified) Without stuffed animals we are forced to lick and chew Barbie’s and eat Kleenex’s. Lame huh?
STEVE: (hobbling back on stage, foot bandaged) The only thing that’s lame is you.
BOB: Jeez, I’m sorry I ran over your foot.
STEVE: Yeah, Sure, Whatever… (mumbling to self) Where did it go? (searches)
BOB: You see we dust-rabbits adapt to survive. We are not going anywhere. It would just be so much… what’s the word… nicer? if the bunnies didn’t get sucked by the “sucker” and we could go back to eating a diet of stuffed animals.
STEVE: (far away) Hey Bob! I found the Barbie! Come get some!
BOB: I gotta go. Try to keep us in mind?
Bob bounces to Steve, they both make grunting noises. The lights flicker as if the power is going to go out and then everything goes black.
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